IT HAPPENED TODAY! ON THIS VERY DAY! July 20 On this day in 1712, the Riot Act of euphemism fame takes effect in Great Britain, giving local authorities the power to declare any group of more than twelve people to be "unlawfully assembled", thus forcing them to disperse or face the consequences. On this day in 1903, the Ford Motor Company ships its first car. Today, some industry analysts are wondering how long it will be before the day they ship their last. On this day in 1932, in Washington, D.C., police fire tear gas on World War I veterans who were marching on the White House to demand their long-promised and as-yet unpaid bonuses. Generals MacArthur and Patton, with Eisenhower tagging along, were sent in to quash this surly display. Hundreds of soldiers and their family members were injured, and several were killed. It was, as the kids say today, "a bad scene, maaan." Especially for President Herbert Hoover, who was voted out of the White House a few months later. On this day in 1969, Apollo 11 lands on the fucking Moon. It's been all downhill for our species ever since. And don't come back at me with Viking 1 landing on Mars exactly seven years later, to the day. That was one for the robots. On this day in 1977, the Central Intelligence Agency releases documents under the Freedom of Information Act revealing that it had engaged in Nazi-style mind control experiments, code-named MKUltra. See? They admitted it, and yet some people STILL don't believe it. On this day in 1984, the Miss America organization demands that Vanessa Lynn Williams -- the first African American Miss America -- hand in her tiara after Penthouse publishes a really hot naked lesbian photo-set in which she had participated when she was young and hungry… for vagina! Despite repeated post-9/11 claims that they had "no idea" that terrorists might hijack commercial jetliners and use them as weapons, at the 27th Annual G8 summit in Genoa, Italy -- which started on this day in 2001 -- the city was ringed with anti-aircraft guns presicely to prepare for this exact potential threat. On this day in 2003, the Director of BBC News reveals that WMD expert Dr. David Kelly was the source of claims that Downing Street had "sexed up" the infamous "Dodgy Dossier" that was a large part of the US and UK justifications for invading Iraq. Shortly thereafter, in an alleged fit of guilt, the good doctor wanders into the woods and commits suicide by slashing his own arms open with a knife. It's true, I tells ya! He killed himself! An inquest ruled it so! But now, what with this new inquiry… who knows? Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

THEY SAID IT! "There's nobody in the world like me. I think every decade has an iconic blonde -- like Marilyn Monroe or Princess Diana -- and right now, I'm that icon." - Yer old pal Jerky certainly can't begrudge Paris Hilton her little ego-spasm if it means she'll be swallowing a fistful of sleeping pills or crashing into the thirteenth pillar of the 'Pont de l'Alma' tunnel in the (very) near future... which is, after all, the only sure-fire way to seal that whole icon deal. *** **** *** "If there’s another 9/11 or a major war in the Middle-East involving a U.S. attack on Iran, I have no doubt that there will be, the day after or within days an equivalent of a Reichstag fire decree that will involve massive detentions in this country." - 'Pentagon Papers' whistleblower Daniel Ellsberg joins the ranks of the hundreds of prominent engineers, physicists, economists, military officers, pilots, high-level intelligence analysts, and cabinet ministers who are doubting the official narrative of the 9/11 terrorist attacks.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by PD63644! Learn Chinese the easy way! Thats not right = "Sum Ting Wong" Are you harboring a fugitive? = "Hu Yu Hai Ding?" See me ASAP = "Kum Hia Nao" Stupid Man = Dum Fuk Small horse = "Tai Ni Po Ni" Did you go to the beach? = "Wai Yu So Tan?" I bumped in to a coffee table = "Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni" I think you need a face lift = "Chin Tu Fat" Its very dark in here = "Wao So Dim" I thought you were on a diet = "Wai Yu Mun Ching?" This is a tow away zone = "No Pah King" Staying out of sight = "Lei Ying Lo" He's cleaning his automobile = "Wa Shing Ka" Your body odor is offensive = "Yu Stin Ki Pu" Great = "Fa Kin Su Pah" Whats up? = "Wa Sa Pen Ing" For the losers who didn't get it, "Yu fa kin dum!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Nasir for sending in today's second joke. A guy is on a business trip and he's staying in this fancy hotel. He goes up to his room, and there's a sign near the bed that says, "Try our Oriental Massage." So he rings down to the reception desk and tells the clerk that he'd like to try one of these massages. About ten minutes later this Japanese lady comes up and starts giving him a massage. He's lying on his stomach and getting pretty horny. She tells him to turn over and he does, revealing a huge boner. "Ahh, you want wanky!" she giggles. "Oooh, yes!" he leers. She runs off into the bathroom and he lies on the bed waiting. A few minutes later she sticks her head out from behind the door and says, "You finish yet?" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by N8Possibilities... One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of his angels and sent the angel to earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not." God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time, too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good." God was not pleased. So he decided to email the 5% who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what the email said? No? Okay, just wondering. I didn't get one either.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: IT'S NOT WHAT -- OR WHO -- YOU KNOW care of: ericsongs Hello again MOPJ, I believe that many millions of our citizens have lost the opportunity to investigate the reasons behind the headlines. We just don't have the time, resources or the stamina to try and make sense out of the situations we are confronted with on a daily basis. If we do find that fleeting moment to consider it for even as little as a half-hour, I feel confident that we will see that it doesn't make any sense. There must be a motive to keep us so confused and unenlightened. Perhaps that age-old motive is merely to: Divide and Conquer. A number of years ago, I had a premonition, or maybe it was intuition. At any rate, I sensed an ominous feeling of a closing-in... a societal closing-in. A wrangling of 2 distinct breeds. A separation of the cattle (so to speak). A re-division of society from 3 groups to 2 groups. That was one of many reasons that I tried to be financially successful by running our own business. I had no idea what was coming in particular, I just knew something was coming, something life-changing and profound and... and... final. I only knew I wanted to be in the group that HAS, as opposed to HAS NOT! It was so easy to believe. Lots of people made money, lots of people that did not have more knowledge than I made lots of money. If they could do it, I could do it! I could bullshit at the same level that they could, and when push came to shove, I could back it up with results! I could bring projects in on time and under budget. AND, as an extra added bonus, I actually guaranteed my work! If my plans were reviewed by one of the government agencies and found to be lacking OR in error, I would make those changes free-of-charge! But, if the client wanted changes made, then the regular rates applied. No one else I have ever heard of working in my field, before or since, has made those kinds of promises. SOMEWHERE along the way, I came to a realization and coined a phrase that I am sure will become quite common in the days that lay before us: "IT'S NOT WHAT YOU KNOW. IT'S NOT EVEN WHO YOU KNOW. IT'S WHAT YOU ARE WILLING TO DO!" Yea, yea, I know... it seems self-evident. But how many of us really accept the responsibility of doing what we do... doing whatever it takes? How many of us are truly better off by participating in this dance? This year, for the first time since we left Southern California, I am making exactly the same hourly wage as I did when we were out there. Between the monthly mortgage payment, and the monthly land lease, I am now paying the same exact amount of money per month for housing as I did 15 years ago! So you see, once again, I am very very lucky! AND YET, we live week to week (literally) just like everybody else. Unfortunately, for the vast majority of us, our focus is on what someone else might get, or do, or see, or hear, or have. QUESTION: Why are we not focusing on elevating all of us? ANSWER: Because, if we don't cut each others throats while trying to climb up the down escalator, well... then the terrorists win! Dontcha see? Ohhhhh... they hate our fucking freedoms, dontcha know! Now, as you know, I'm an atheist, but I do believe that the Christian that I am about to introduce to you was on the right track! That is, before he got railroaded by the powers that be. I think he truly believed that the government agencies had our best interests at heart, but he had to make sure that he got something for his trouble. That's only reasonable, right? A little something as a reward for his good and patriotic gift of service to the people of the United States of America... and to the world at large! He had to make sure that he elevated his own family's standard of living, right? That's only reasonable, right? Well, he got elevated alright. And I do mean elevated... to his heaven! He was poisoned to death! I gotta wonder what would have been so terrible if Stanley had thought about giving this knowledge to all of us? Would the outcome have been any worse? just, ericsongs [Seeing as Stanley Meyer was unable to replicate his results in a court of law, and thus ordered to return funds to annoyed investors, I wouldn't get too misty eyed about Ol' Misty Cylinders and his dubious creation. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Hail Jerky One, Didja ever, didja ever have, didja ever have one of those days? I have, today. My ancient above ground pool ruptured. Sending me and my pool toys, Barbie and Joan, surfing across the estate on a sheet of water, 24000 gallons, into my basement. But, as I was cleaning up the mess, some friendly Witnesses stopped by and told me I was indeed truly blessed. And thirty seconds later as I surveyed the destruction I had wrought. I had to admit that I truly was feeling blessed indeed. Praise Heeeim. Of course my mood will soon change as the paramedics and officers will be arriving at the estate shortly. What a rush. Perhaps I will be removed from the visitation list at long last. Cheers, YOPMick (Ps: And thank (insert deity's name here) that the local law is aware if my evil twin and my propensity for fat envelopes!) [Now now. Violence never solved anything. Except every war ever fought. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; First there was the whiny cop, then the whiny comments, then the whiny carpet-layer and then we had sklag, the whiny whiner. Mate, will the whining never stop? What? Me? Oh... Cheers, Santa in NZ [You beat me to the punch. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, I just finished watching this video and am sitting here stunned and confused. What the hell is this place going to be used for? It seems that Senator Luger likes to funnel money to see this project through to completion. YOP, Bob [Mass detention... it's what's for future! - Jerky] *** **** *** Samuel L as GOD? That rocks! For some reason, whenever I see Samuel L on screen, I mentally add "...motherfucka!" to anything he says. This is going to be a fucking riot! :-) YOPLee [...and you will know that His name is THE LORD when He lays His Finger upon you... muthafucka! - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; Here's a thought for the day: "Anyone who has accustomed himself to regard the life of any living creature as worthless is in danger of arriving also at the idea of worthless human lives." - Albert Schweitzer, philosopher, physician, musician, Nobel laureate. (1875-1965) Brummbaer [Commie!!! - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Mr. Jerky... As I recall, Osama Bin Laden stated that one of his main objectives was to bankrupt the United States. According to this article... we are, in fact, bankrupt. When do we raise a white flag? Who do we surrender too? We lost the war. Osama won. Cheers, Andy S. [Cheers?! - Jerky] *** **** *** Mr LeBoeuf, When I speak of God, I'm celebrating the 500 million years of evolved multi-cellular life which has given us hunter and hunted and maternal instinct and a time-table of when to let go. Everything worked just fine until no more than 100,000 years ago when fully modern man entered the scene and began to really f*ck up the planet. We ate of the tree of knowledge but apparently spit it out. On the subject of cops, one time I was driving from San Jose to LA on a notoriously patrolled stretch of highway. I was going south very fast. A cop, going north, saw me, drove across the median, chased me and stopped me. He said I was doing 75. I asked if he used Radar or anything. He said that he just used his eyes and experience. Swell, says I. Of all the cops in all the highway-patrol cars in the world I have to come across one with a gimmick - a talent, even. I told him I was actually doing 80, but I was impressed at his accuracy. He was pleased with himself and wrote me up for 65. Never hurts to kiss a little ass, but I really was impressed. Aram [Whatever works! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com