NSA SPYING SCANDAL - NOT SO INNOCENT QUESTIONS Innocent Question #999990 ~ Two weeks ago, a number of workers and researchers working on renewable energy technology were laid off from the Energy Department's National Renewable Energy Laboratory in Golden, Colorado. But then, something happened. Preznit Dubya, unexpectedly caught in the maelstrom of the UAE ports deal, needed the kind of shelter only a shiny happy photo-op could provide. All of a sudden, mere days before Dubya's visit, Energy Secretary Samuel Bodman transfered $5 million to the Institute and -- SHAZAM! -- all those people got their jobs back! So, my innocent question is... do you think this was all just a lucky coincidence? Innocent Question #999991 ~ What word could be used to best describe the demographics of the 469,000 evacuees who haven't been able to return to their home city of New Orleans since Hurricane Katrina, for a whole slew of outrageous and infuriating reasons? Here's a hint: it ain't "vanilla". Innocent Question #999992 ~ Now that Kenny Boy Lay is down to his last $650,000 (not counting $1.9 million trust he set up for his legal fees, of course) -- a mere five fucking years after the Enron house of cards came tumbling down -- how many tears do you plan on shedding for Preznit Dubya's one-time bestest buddy? Innocent Question #999993 ~ Why are Diebold's electronic voting machines equipped with super-vulnerable infrared "hack" ports, and why is this the first time I'm hearing about this?! What's to stop a bunch of techie guys from walking through all the voting precincts with little magic wands in their pockets, altering the vote tally on the fly? "Hi, I'm the screen recalibration guy. This'll just take a second." Fucking outrageous. The rest of the world is right on this one. Pencil and paper are the only way to go. Innocent Question #999994 ~ Defenders of the UAE ports deal say that there's nothing to worry about because the Coast Guard and other American organizations will continue to oversee security at these facilities. But don't those agencies rely heavily on the private entities that run the ports to provide them with accurate information, cargo manifests and the like? And won't that inevitably create a weak link in the chain? Innocent Question #999995 ~ What was Tom Cruise thinking, going on Oprah Winfrey's show again, and so soon after she feasted on that lying writer dude's shrivelled ballsac? Hasn't Tom heard that The Big O no longer tolerates LIES and the LYING LIARS who tell them? Innocent Question #999996 ~ Are you know the easy, cheap and happiest ways to be treated the receiving of cancer? Are you know the dangerous of the three steps to be treated by the dangerous conditions of the cancer? All people should know! Learning now and be comfortable! Innocent Question #999997 ~ If the White House Civil Liberties Board -- set up to ensure that privacy and civil liberties are protected in the fight against terrorism -- has yet to convene a single meeting... does it really exist? Innocent Question #999998 ~ Do you think Travis Frey would sue me if I plagiarized his awesome wifely expectations contract for my own, private use? Because that sick fuck's got all the bases covered, from withers to brisket! Innocent Question #999999 ~ Who do the Swedes think they are, sticking their fingers in the All-Seeing Eye of the Great God Petroleum?! Innocent Question #000000 ~ What do you think the odds are that the planned congressional probe of Preznit Dubya's illegal NSA domestic spying program was killed because legislators present for the closed-door sessions with White House officials were blackmailed with incriminating photographs, videos and documents collected during Preznit Dubya's illegal NSA spying program? And if that is, indeed, the case... is it ironic, or just tragic? Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY February 23 On this day in 1820, the Cato Street Conspiracy -- a conspiracy to murder every member of the British parliament -- is exposed. I think the plot had something to do with the Brits wanting to transfer London port security to the Ottoman Empire or something, I'm not really sure. Remember the Alamo? No? Well, it was on this day in 1836, 170 years ago, that the Siege of the Alamo began in San Antonio, Texas. On this day in 1903, the Cuban government grants a perpetual lease on Guantanamo Bay to the United States military. And they lived happily ever after. Happy Birthday, Fascism! On this day in 1919, soon-to-be dictator of Italy, Benito Mussolini, officially forms his Fascist Party. And oh, what a party it was. On this day in 1991, American ground troops cross the Saudi Arabia border into Iraq, thus launching the ground phase of Gulf War One. On this day in 1997, a large fire breaks out on the Russian Space station, Mir, when cosmonaut Uri Gluglugov forgets to put out his cigarette before pouring himself a space-chilled tipple from the station's emergency vodka dispenser.

THEY SAID IT! "In the Deep South the Negroes are, by comparison with the whites, retarded. Leadership in the South, then, quite properly, rests in white hands. Upon the white population this fact imposes moral obligations of paternalism, patience, protection, devotion, sacrifice." - This year, The National Review celebrates a half-century of being on the front lines of the conservative intellectual movement... and being wrong about everything, no matter what Ann Coulter says. Congratulations, assholes! *** **** *** "Next to the SEX PISTOLS rock and roll and that hall of fame is a piss stain. Your museum. Urine in wine. Were not coming. Were not your monkey and so what?" - According to a napkin they scrawled upon, the surviving members of The Sex Pistols aren't exactly thrilled about being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Ralston! Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman." Oh yeah?"said Charlie "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees. "Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?" She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-shit!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Kerusty for sending in today's second joke. Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man. "This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one. "No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. And so they began arguing until the King called for silence. "Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half." "Sounds good to me," said the first lady. But the second woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let her daughter marry him." The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The man must marry the first woman's daughter," he proclaimed. "But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's courtiers, in bewilderment. "Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Bob Soper... A gentleman was checking out groceries at the local IGA when he was queried by the courtesy clerk if he preferred paper or plastic. The gentleman responded that he really didn't give a damn as he was bisackual.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: THE DUBAI/DUBYA PORT AUTHORITY BOOGIE care of: D. Murrill The issue of a United Arab Emirates-owned company taking control of port operations at several major U.S. ports has turned into a frenzy of legislative activity, rhetoric, and veto threats. What the past days have clearly shown is that the American people are concerned about security and deserve a clear explanation of this proposed deal. Labeling people who are questioning the move as "negative" or as coming from people "who don't know all the facts" does not accomplish anything. That is what GOPUSA says today and I agree with them. Maybe the administration knows that there really is not any creditable threat out there and this is a good business proposition. They have us scared and now can't get some of their "business" done as they want. They are still sending out "threat" notices. How about this one: "Our sources have confirmed reports that an al-Qa'ida captive recently confirmed collateral information indicating that al-Qa'ida operatives in the Western Hemisphere are attempting to smuggle nuclear material across the Mexican border into the U.S. Our sources further indicate that this material is already in the hands of operatives in Mexico, and that al-Qa'ida may use a Mexican organized crime syndicate to arrange the crossing. This information coincides with the theft of a crop-dusting plane just across the border from San Diego. Though the HomSec alert for New York and Washington, D.C. has been relaxed, events on our porous Southwestern border make plain that the national threat endures." Keep us scared with all those notices but let us take care of it (which they are doing by cutting the Border Patrol budget?). We are at war, right? We want war powers and this war will last for a long time. Give us the power! Oh? You already have. What, me worry? All the states affected voted for Kerry anyway so who cares? Heh, heh, heh. - D. Murrill [Well... most of them, anyway. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Hi: In regard to your essay, NOVO-NORFLOXACIN DREAMIN', I wouldn't worry too much about your dreams in that dreams are one of the id's way of expunging nasty impulses running around in the subconscious. On the other hand, many of us are more than ready for Pam to shuffle off into the sunset, and I fucked a couple of my cousins when younger so I don't find your dreams that strange. Who knows? Steve [Thanks for the moral support, Steve! - Jerky] *** **** *** Hello my friend, I have not written to you, or your fine publication, for a couple of years now; because you have said it all quite clearly for me. You and your audience may be interested in the fact that this magnificent bastard has JUST LIT THE FUSE! Take good care my friend. Just, Ericsongs [Stan Goff has been lighting fuses for years now. - Jerky] *** **** *** Yo, fat fuck! Whats up? Check this shit out, The muthafuckin' US fuckin REjects the Un reporrt on abuses at Gitmo and Abu Grabby... my, my, my ain't that just fuckin' sumpin! Well, seein' as how we have a totally fuckin' gutless Senate and House of Reps, maybe it's time the populace of this entire country seize control of the government via voting all of these useless, low life, cowardly ass lickers the hell outta they's plush offices and git some others in there that WILL do the fuckin' job right, like calling for the monkey in the man suit's muthafuckin' IMpeacment. As a matter of fact, I've heered it said that you's a cowardly little fat fuck that needs his ass kicked, I say it ain't so, I says you a fine upstandin' boy, maybe have a few mental problems... but hey... who don't... I mean looky over thar at my Uncle Dad... I mean that thar should tell ya sumpin... Anyways... Impeach the little tree climbin' bitch before he gets ANOTHER fuckin' chance to start sumpin' that we don't want started. MoonBatWeasel! [We're beyond voting, now, MoonBatWeasel. We're through the looking glass and up shit creek. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; I dont know how you do it. If I tryed I would give up in a week or so. I have never read your Erag with out finding something worth the time. If I looked at T.V. a lot I would have a fixed outlook on the world. The net makes you use your mind. I at one time would ask my kids What did you learn in school today. Did you learn how to think, or what to think. If you learn how, you will know what. From The Daily Dirt to News Max Its all there and more... I think that you may be that last Plumb on the tree The last seed of hope. We need to know There is a seed of truth somewhere. Or is it a world of "Do you want frys with this" And " Sig Hiel Dubbya"? God I hope not. YOP RASTY!!!! [NewsMax?! - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ; Did you read this shit? That explains a lot of shit PTB are doing, but I still wonder how they want to profit from apocalypse they are driving us to. Keep your great work! YOP Dan [Um... didn't I link to that three days ago? - Jerky] *** **** *** Brotha Man Jerky, I just have to give you a holla on your responses to scoot and ZWolfe. I fell out of my damn chair laughing at that shit son! That's what's up! Keep those fools in check. Nigga Please! LOL! Craig D [C-Dog, you better be black yo, fo rills! - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, Hey, Dick Cheney should shoot more people in the face! Nothings brings out outrage and covers up WAY WORSE SHIT going on then that! Sheer brilliance! Of course I hate him. But, you gotta give brilliant evil a shout out when you see it. The rabid press has decided to give these animals a break - what a coinicidence - just in time for new Abu Garib (typed in Dubbyaese) photos to be forgotten about. Perfect. Forget sales to the UAE, billions being borrowed from China and forced abortions in Saipan - we were tuff on Satan last week, let's give him a break before we seem biased. This is so 1984. The press mellows JUST IN TIME FOR SOME REAL SHIT! When will someone stand up and say "No more Members of the military industrial complex can own media outlets"? This makes me fucking sick. They arent even trying to hide it anymore - they just come out and dare us to question it. I really used to love this country. Later, The Dalhi Bobba [Yeah, but you loved it when it was all icky and liberal. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com