FIRST AMENDMENT TWILIGHT ZONE As you may or may not know, Attorney General Jesus H. Ashcroft is currently on a four-week, 18-city tour of the United States, delivering the Good News about how much safer we all are now, thanks to the relentless onslaught of Homeland-protecting legislation that has bubbled up from his Justice Department since the terrorist attacks of 9-11 turned us all into a nation of quivering, unquestioning proto-jellies. What follows is a transcript of Ashcroft's recent address to an enthusiastic, invitation-only audience at a high-school gymnasium rented by the Matthew Hopkins Society, a conservative think tank dedicated to furthering the ideals of Christian traditionalism and social activism as best exemplified by their namesake. *** **** *** "MARANATHA, CLEVELAND!" Are you ready to find out what the passing of the U.S.A.P.A.T.R.I.O.T.A.C.T. means for our success in the war against terror? (The crowd roars) I said, are you ready to find out what the passing of the U.S.A.P.A.T.R.I.O.T.A.C.T. means for our success in the war against terror?! (The crowd roars again) I can't hear you! Now, say it like you mean it! ARE YOU READY to FIND OUT what the passing of the U.S.A.P.A.T.R.I.O.T.A.C.T. means for our success in the WAR AGAINST TERROR?!?!?! (The crowd goes wild, standing, stomping ovation) That's more like it! Now, before we begin, I'd like to take a moment to thank Darryl Worley for coming out here tonight and singing his wonderfully rousing patriotic songs for us. I couldn't have asked for a better opening act, and I assure you, Darryl, that I, for one, have not forgotten. (Darryl Worley stands to take a bow. Crowd applauds Darryl Worley) Friends, the international commun- I mean terrorist threat is real, and just as imminent as the Second Coming of our one and only Lord and Savior, King Jesus the Christ, Amen. (Crowd says Amen) Nearly two years have now passed since American ground was hallowed by the blood of innocents. Two years separate us from the day when our nation's stock of consecrated ground grew tragically larger. That day, a familiar list of monuments to American freedom - places like Little Big Horn, Gettysburg, Mogadishu, Wounded Knee and the Branch Davidian compound in Waco, Texas - grew longer by four: 16 acres in lower Manhattan. The Pentagon. A field in the Pennsylvania countryside. Floors-and-More Carpets and Coverings Warehouse in Rolo, Missouri, where the prices are truly "wholesale-direct" on name brand carpets, area rugs, vinyl, vinyl tiles, hardwood flooring, laminates and floor covering accessories. Plus, they're Christian owned and operated, so you never have to worry about your hard-earned money going to fund the homosexual agenda or what have you. But I digress. You may recall that America began to respond to the attacks of September 11 even before the towers hit the ground. It began on Flight 93, where brave passengers used karate to knock their plane out of the sky and into a field, rather than into Air Force One, which we later found out was the terrorists' original target. It continued as the months went on, when courageous patriots across the nation flooded Homeland Security's TIPS hotline with vital information on the whereabouts and activities of their Arab, Persian, Hindu, Sikh, Hispanic, liberal and bearded neighbors. It continues to this day, in the form of American flag decals plastered on car bumpers and windshields, signaling the kind of stick-together patriotism this country needs… the kind that doesn't brook any sass-back from smart-mouthed trouble makers! (Crowd cheers approvingly) Folks, fact is that if we knew then what we know now, we would have passed the U.S.A.P.A.T.R.I.O.T.A.C.T. six months before September 11 like we planned, rather than six weeks after the attacks. Of course, the only way to get such robust and forceful legislation passed was by slipping it in during the grief-stricken wake of a mind-numbingly horrific terrorist attack, when dissent was rightfully labeled treason, and we had carte blanche to deal with the situation as we saw fit. So, even though everything worked out perfectly in the end, you can appreciate the bind we were in. Today, thanks to the legislation in question, law enforcement in this country have been given the tools to cut a wide swath through this nation's thriving Islamist underground. Cells in Buffalo, Detroit, Seattle and Portland have been disrupted, and as of today, there are 255 fewer data entry clerks, falafel chefs, and retail electronics salesman walking the streets of God's America. Where they are now, what they allegedly did to land themselves there, and what we're allegedly doing to them in captivity is, of course, a matter of national security, and thus I'm not at liberty to discuss it. However, you may rest easy knowing that whatever Constitutional guarantees might have formerly hindered our efforts in this regard - in effect helping the terrorists win - no longer apply to this new breed of Jihadist supercriminal. Of course, not everybody has the intestinal fortitude required to sew up all those bothersome Constitutional loopholes. The ACLU, for instance, doesn't much care for the New Way we do things here in America. Nor do PFAW, nor the Center for Public Integrity, nor the American Librarians Association, nor the Union of Concerned Scientists. NAMBLA and the Church of Satan aren't too keen on it either, but I'm not letting that keep me up at night, if you know what I mean. (Crowd laughs) Addressing all the "concerns" raised by these America-hating enemy-combatants-in-all-but-name would frankly be impossible, so I'm not even going to bother trying. I am pleased to report, however, that a two-to-one majority of Americans believes the U.S.A.P.A.T.R.I.O.T.A.C.T. is a necessary and effective tool that protects their liberties and freedoms, and as history teaches us again and again, the majority - especially when kept on edge by constant official warnings about ever-more-devastating terrorist attacks that threaten to rock this nation off its very foundations - is always right. In conclusion, I would like to reiterate that the cause we have chosen is just, and that the course we have chosen in this cause is constitutional… depending on whether or not you're a stickler for definitions. Almighty God in His wisdom has seen fit to grant America the sole, custodial responsibility of leading the world, and as such has granted us worldly dominion over all of His creation. One nation, under God, armed to the teeth and near-psychotic with fear, charged with the task of ensuring our precious, glorious, Creator-given freedoms and liberties. This we will do by implementing cradle-to-the-grave monitoring of every American citizen - and, eventually, of every human being on the planet - complimented by omnipresent electronic surveillance and identity-verification technology currently under development in the labs of DARPA. Thank you. God bless you and God bless America! (Cheering crowd jumps to its feet as Ashcroft leaves the stage. Rapturous applause and shouts of "Ash-Croft! Ash-Croft! Ash-Croft!" fill the auditorium for five long minutes. Finally, Ashcroft returns to the microphone) Thank you, you've been a wonderful audience. May God bless and keep you all. Now, I don't usually do this, but seeing as tonight has been so special for me - as I hope it's been for all of you - I think it will be okay if I indulge myself just this one time. Darryl? Would you care to join me? (Darryl Worely joins Ashcroft on stage) Ready? One, two, three… Let the eagle soooaaar, Like she's never soooaaared before. From rocky coast to golden shoooore, Let the mighty eagle sooooooaaaaaar… (The crowd goes wild. Lighters are held up, then sparked. A thousand tiny flames light up the darkened room. The end) Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! August 26 Memo to automobile manufacturers: NEVER roll out a new line of automobiles on this day, ever again. It was on this day in 1957 that the Ford Motor Company introduced the Edsel to the car-buying public. Named after Henry Ford’s son, Edsel Bryant, the Edsel was the first car built based on market research, which showed that consumers wanted more horsepower, tailfins, three-tone paint jobs, and wrap-around windshields. Apparently, Ford's executives didn't know then what yer old pal Jerky knows, now... mainly, that the vast majority of people are TOO FUCKING STUPID to know what they want. Also, on this day in 1985, that Yugoslavian-built punchline-on-wheels known as the Yugo makes its North American debut. Remember Saturday Night Live's satirical commercial for the Adobe? The "little car that's made out of clay"? The Yugo wasn't much better. *** **** *** On this day in 1920, the 19th Amendment to the Constitution is passed, granting women the right to vote. Since then, we've been involved in over a dozen major military conflicts, experienced two dozen major earthquakes, three massive droughts and two massive, nation-wide silk-worm infestations. Coinzidence? Not bloody likely. On this day in 1883... KA-FUCKIN-BOOM!!! The island of Krakatoa (east of Java) blows up real good, killing 36,000 people in the process. Most died after being swept away by the humongous tidal waves that encircled the world's oceans after the ocean collapsed in on the smoking hole left behind. Ash and debris that had been blasted into the atmosphere by the explosion darkened the sky and cooled the planet for a year afterwards.

THEY SAID IT! "There needs to be a focused coalition effort in the region against peace. I mean, against terror, for peace." - Guess who? *** **** *** "I will be found dead in the woods." - This is how British weapons expert Dr David Kelly answered diplomat David Broucher back in March of this year when asked what he thought would happen if the USG/UK invasion of Iraq went ahead, despite the fact that Kelly had told Iraqi officials that if they complied with UN weapons inspections (which they did) they would have nothing to fear. The implication at the time was that Iraqi agents would have him murdered for misleading them. Five months later, after being exposed as a whistleblower when he gave the BBC information that cast doubt on Tony Blair's rationalre for the attack, Dr Kelly was indeed found dead in the woods. And yer old pal Jerky doesn't suspect the Iraqis, if you know what I mean.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Obinna U. An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom he decided the latest was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the hell was that all about?" Still staring down, the drunk replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal GhGb for sending in today's second set of jokes. Q: How do you get 50 cows in a barn. A: Put a Bingo sign above the door. Q: Why do men like tight women with big breasts. A: Because most men have small dicks and big mouths. WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's worst joke was sent in by Galveston Jane. Q: Why is anal sex like spinach? A: Once they're forced on you, you'll never again be able to enjoy them again. Our old pal FunnyBoyGreg suggests the following alternative punchline. Drop us a line at feedback@dailydirt.com to let us know which one you liked better! Q: Why is anal sex like spinach? A: Marlon Brando loves both of them with lots of butter.

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Jerkster; I often hear from my friends that there's no difference between Republicans and Democrats. That is the same kind of idiotic shit the stupid GREEN Party was spewing during the last selection. Their quote was "A vote for Gore is a vote for Bush." Now the Green morons, responsible for the selection of the current idiot in the White House, should all burn in Hell and the other assholes that supported them (Samuel Jackson, Pearl Jam, etc.) I tried to get some responses from the Greens a while back - they have no friggin idea what's going on. It never ceases to amaze me how stupid some people can be - and I wouldn't bet against the Bush -fascist- Jr. getting reelected. He bought his votes with a bullshit tax cut and I'm sure Homeland (Fatherland) Security will have something good to happen just before the election. We are in such deep shit there's no shovel big enough at this point. Signed: WiseB4 Dear Wise; Most of the 3.4 million people who got tricked into voting Green in 2000 will NOT be repeating that mistake in 2004. Sure, they'll be able to hold on to their core "Green" demographic - Rage Against the Machine fans, red-headed dreadlock-sporting "WASPafarians" and non-tenured sociology professors - but most of the other bandwagon-jumpers and brainless celebrities who dulled Gore's electoral edge just enough to let Dubya get away with stealing it now know, on an instinctual level, what some of us knew and screamed at the top of our lungs before November 2000: that the Bush Crime Family MUST be removed from power before they drag the entire world down with their mutant neofascist neo-conservative agenda. Extra bonus observation about the Greens and Ralph Nader in particular: The way to build a political movement is from the ground up, NOT the top down. How many Senators and Congressmen have the Greens managed to elect, at either the federal or state levels? I think the grand total number is ZERO, if I'm not mistaken. Running a Presidential candidate when you have ZERO political infrastructure beneath the executive branch is more an exercise in CULT OF PERSONALITY, than democracy. *** **** *** Jerky; This really has nothing to do with any of the other usual topics discussed in your realm. I was just wondering if I'm just over-reactive about the stupid shit that the media tries to thrust upon our children. There's a doll that I've seen advertised on television that I can't believe the safety folks would allow to be marketed. The doll walks and pushes a little shopping cart. The advertisement also promotes the fact that the doll can hold on to the front of the cart and ride while you push her. Every shopping cart in the U.S. has a fucking sign on the fold-out portion that has a picture of a child standing on the front of the cart and a big circle and a line through it. How come the dumb fucks that created this thing didn't see that? Shop and Bop Baby, it's more like Emergency Room Head Trauma Dollie. What do YOU think? Signed: Minerva I don't know much about that, Minerva, but here's a web page that has nothing but pictures of young women kissing each other for you. Enjoy! *** **** *** Hey Jerky! Remember the Uglitron? CHANGE THE FUCKING PICTURE ALREADY!!! Signed: Benny Dear Benny; Your wish is my Commando, starring Arnold Schwarzenthingy as "the Beaver."

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: NEANDERTHAL'S LAST STAND REBUTTAL! Care of: Ali G. Dear Jerky; On August 21st, you wrote the following: On this dark night in the year 31,430 BC, the last living Neanderthal hides in a narrow cave while a Cro-magnon hunting party stands outside, screaming and hurling rocks, gathering up their courage to go in after him. The Neanderthal, who's just watched these same blood-thirsty killers butcher his entire family, realizes his situation is hopeless. Alone in the cold, damp darkness, he tilts back his head and howls mournfully at a moon he will never see again. This, in essence, is an error. I will explain. On some night, some 50,000 years ago, give or take a millennium or three, homo sapiens (our ancestors) came down to Earth, the last 2 or 3 thousand survivors from a wrecked cruise spaceship sent off-course by some nefarious terrorists who destroyed the flight command deck without destroying the ship. Don't ask me how they managed it, I'm still hunting the last remnants of those jerks. We soon hooked up with the neanderthals for mutual protection. They knew the lay of the land, the edible plants and animals, and knew what to steer clear of. We had the weapons capable of putting a stop to the incessant extermination attacks of Cro-magnon; though his habitual cannibalism would probably have spelled his doom real soon, what with recombinant viri and other nasty little things unseen, except by microscope. To make a long story short, do you remember the Khyber pass? That's where we lay a trap for the biggest hunting party before Genghis Khan would set his hordes of hundreds of thousands Westward. We had a few nasty surprises left. We dug a few holes in the walls of the pass and set the stage for the biggest traffic jam ever as nearly a quarter million Cro-mags were following a days-old sighting of a few paltry hundred of our fleetest runners who had taunted them for days, gathering more and more pursuers as they went. When the Pass was as jam-packed with the world's first traffic jam and the leaders were in sight of the exit, we set off our little surprises: pocket neutron bombs. These had been set into horizontal holes, so that, when they exploded, the walls of the pass would act as the barrels of a shotgun and guide the sleet of deadly neutrons straight down the into the faces of the incoming enemy. The Khyber pass, back then was a zig-zag affair which went on for several zags, if you get my drift. We set the bombs off cascade-style, and the cro-mags never knew what hit them. The rest of those hordes were easily picked off after that. Now while your above story may in its essence be true, that some lonely 'last tribesman' survivor of some Neanderthal tribe somewhere in Asia may have bayed at the moon he would never see again, this must have happened more than 50,000 or so years ago, before we came on the scene or very soon after, but definitely before we exterminated the sum-bitches, as a simple matter of survival. It did NOT happen 31 thousand odd years ago! They were all dead by then, I can assure you of that. Fact of the matter is that there is proof in some Western European caves that Neanderthal and Homo sap co-existed, and that various groups may even even have exchanged daughters of marriageable age. After all, if you look hard enough, at all the faces of all the people of the world, some facial types will definitely remind you of Neanderthal. Only their DNA would tell and I dare you to go find some intact, verifyably Neanderthal DNA. I hope this helped to clear up a little of the historical mists which obscure the far distant past. A friend from the far away and long ago, Al [A zig-zag affair, indeed. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com